OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
