Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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