He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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