if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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