Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
