Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
