im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
