Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
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