My first STD was from a foam party
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize