my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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