Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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