There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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