Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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