the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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