Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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