I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
