So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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