I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
