i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
