Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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