Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I did not marry a roomba.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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