Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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