Swine flu is the new snow day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
