Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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