i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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