You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
