It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
