I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
