Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
