so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
