If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
