My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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