apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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