i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
