She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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