I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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