OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
