if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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