I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
