Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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