thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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