Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize