I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
