my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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