I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
