watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
