"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
