3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
