Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
