you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
