Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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