Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
