My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
