i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
