it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
