this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
