cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
